the bride identity
Is a bride really a bride if she doesn’t buy a clutch bag that says “bride”?
Before we begin, I just want to acknowledge that Vanity Project hit 1000 subscribers in January! I’m delighted and very grateful and I will do something to properly mark it when my head is no longer being wrecked by the circumstances outlined below. For now, thank you!
I am getting married very soon. Like, next month soon. I’m very excited and nervous about it all and trying my best to enjoy this special time, as people keep reminding me to do. But since we booked The Big Day™ and as we advance ever closer to it, I find myself completely bamboozled by the sheer amount of shite associated with weddings. (To put it very bluntly.)
What’s new, says you. And I know, getting married has and always will be big business. I’m not even talking about all the main bits: the venue and the flowers and the rings and the dress. I’m talking about how the very idea of “being a bride” is now synonymous with stuff.
Bridesmaid proposal boxes. Personalised dress hangers. Satin robes. Feathery pyjamas. Engraved champagne flutes. A separate white outfit for the engagement party, the hen, the night before the wedding, and the day after, plus accessories.
I’ve been engaged and wedding planning for almost a year, and in that time, I’ve been exposed to lots and lots of stuff. Initially, I was steadfast in my belief that I didn’t need it. My bridesmaids have lives outside of our wedding – they don’t want a mound of items emblazoned with “bridesmaid.” Polyester makes you sweat, which isn’t ideal before putting on a big dress. I don’t really like to wear white. Buying accessories with “bride” plastered on them seems kind of pointless. These things all have a definite expiration date. Wouldn’t it be nicer to buy clothes and accessories that will work after the wedding, to take the opportunity to give myself some beautiful items I can cherish in a real way – by actually using them?
But then, much like the mutant fungus on The Last of Us, the stuff started to wrap its tendrils around me. That’s how it works, you see. First you scoff, then after the sixtieth “shop my bridal wardrobe” TikTok, you start to worry. Should I have a bridal wardrobe? Am I even doing “being a bride” right? What if I look back on this time and regret not making the most of it in every way possible? It’s my one chance – probably, watch your back Derek – after all.
I would consider myself a pretty clued-in gal, but I’ve never felt more preyed-upon in my life, capitalistically speaking. And in the various wedding forums and Facebook groups I haunt, I see women experiencing something similar (either consciously or subconsciously) in the steady stream of breathless requests for the best Etsy sellers and Shein slippers and Day 2 jumpsuits. To me, it looks less like people “enjoying their special time” and more like an industry taking advantage of FOMO. It’s very convenient for wedding suppliers that “making the most of it” seemingly means “spending lots on single-use tat.” I’m at the stage now where if see a post about “wedding must-haves,” I’m instantly scrolling on. I don’t want to know about any more things I’m supposed to have.
A lot of it has to do with the modern performance of “getting married” for social media, which is obviously driven by how everything looks in a tiny box on some stranger’s phone. Now that almost every part of the wedding can be shared, no detail is exempt from careful styling. The image of the perfectly-outfitted bride was largely created by influencers and celebrities, whose job is to sell things to us. Of course they have a crisp all-white look for the day part of the hen, a little white dress for the night out, and a white tracksuit for the morning after. They were sent it for free so they can link to it later for commission! There’s no reason for it to apply to us normies, who aren’t linking anything to anyone. We shouldn’t be comparing our weddings to those of people with more money than God – and if not that, then more freebie PR contacts than him. It’s not real. It’s not attainable. And yet.
Overconsumption is a key part of what it means to be a bride in 2023. You’d almost get whiplash going from regular fashion content, which at least pays lip service to the idea of conscious shopping, to bridal fashion content, which encourages the exact opposite. The consequences of this are plain to see on Depop, which is bursting with unused or very lightly worn bridal purchases. Some of the listings are almost sheepish, like the sellers know they lost their minds a little bit. But who can blame them for bowing under extreme emotional manipulation? One minute, you’re pledging to buy less and buy well; the next, you’re emerging from the delirium of being newly engaged with ASOS bags coming out your ears. (This is based on a true story. Everything went back.)
My hen was two weeks ago. Unsurprisingly, I fretted in the run-up about what I would wear and if I needed to order some stuff to make me feel more “like a bride.” And perhaps unsurprisingly again, it was a great weekend that was not at all impacted by the fact that I only had one purpose-bought, non-white outfit (that fell apart after the one wear, a powerful lesson for me) and very little bridal tat. My friends stuck a veil and a sash on me and we tramped off shrieking into the night. What I wanted from my hen – to spend time with my loved ones and maybe be a bit of a Prosecco demon – had absolutely nothing to do with pearl-embellished robes and Amazon hauls. What I want from our wedding – to marry the good Derek O’Brien – has nothing to do with that either. So I am hereby divorcing myself from the stuff: It’s not me. It’s you.
Thank you for reading Vanity Project! As this wedding consumes my mind, so too does it consume the newsletter. Regular service will resume some time in April or May, I guess? So feel free to ignore me until then.
I really enjoyed reading this Val! You've definitely hit the nail on the head that all of the single use bridal "stuff" is purely for show on social media and I think brands prey on Brides fomo and the desire to get every last bit out of being a bride and planning a wedding. I think that's what always put me off, I can't imagine spending that much money on a dress or something I'd only use once. That being said, I am VERY excited to see your Bridal "rig out" (as the nannies say) and makeup of course!
such an interesting piece! I feel like no one has said this yet, but it needed to be said so thankyou!